50/50

I haven’t written for a while. Not that I don’t have tons of thoughts floating around in my head, or feelings that I feel are ready to explode and gush all over the place. I’ve been wondering to myself what’s holding me back…I always feel better once I do write down how I’m feeling.

I think part of it is that half the time I’m consumed with sadness, grief and some anger as well. I feel like I’ve already written and talked about that enough. I feel like a walking bummer of a person a lot of the time. I try to grieve as much as I can in private, even away from my husband…because it’s a lot to put on someone, and it’s enough to deal with as much as people see that I can’t hide. I mean, I’m letting it out, I just mostly want to do that on my own, where I can ugly cry in peace.

The other part of the time, I catch myself being distracted…by work, by my kid, by my husband, by friends, by something…fun. Something that causes me for just a little moment of time to forget, to let it go and let my mind be filled with something else, just for a while. And please, don’t lecture, becauseĀ I know that’s natural, I know that’s normal and I know it’s not something to feel guilty about. And I don’t feel…guilty…per se. I just feel like I don’t necessarily want to write a post about something flippant. Something fun. Something other than the desperate sadness I feel about how badly I miss my Mom.

Jack is as cute as ever. My mother-in-law just left today after visiting us from California for a week and a half. It was so great to have her here, and also heartbreaking because I miss my own Mom so much. My little sister just got a job finally, my older sister just returned from one of the Dakotas (they’re both the same to me) to visit her husband working out there and had a wonderful train ride both ways, my brother finally got an answer to some medical woes, my Dad seems to be doing a little better every day, Jason and I took our first out of state trip since Jack and spent TWO whole nights away, the longest so far and my friends continue to be the greatest and the funniest people I know.

So, there’s all the good things in a nutshell. Good news is what’s keeping me going, I grab onto it like a lifeline. I want to celebrate the tiny stuff.

I’m trying.

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One Response to 50/50

  1. Pa Pa Oliver says:

    I feel the same as you stated above, but of course I can not feel the intensity of your pain. I can tell you that the pain of sorrow, anger , grief, loneliness, guilt, aimless feelings is the most intense of my life. I want to forget all of it like a dream gone bad, but yet I keep clinging to the memories even though it hurts. Then I try to chase the pictures in my head away and it makes me sad because I want to hold on to those memories despite the pain, but it hurts so bad.
    People that have lost their spouse tell me it will get better and I tell myself to believe them. My main purpose now is to get things in order for our children.
    And that’s my story.

    PaPa Dad

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