My Mom died.

It’s the phrase that keeps turning around in my head all day, every day, since last Saturday. My Mom died. It’s surreal. Unbelievable. My Mom died. I still don’t think it’s something I fully accept. I  can never hold her hand again. I can never give her another hug, another kiss. I can never hear her voice in person…telling me she loves me. My Mom died.

Nothing in my life has ever hurt this much. There’s nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the intense grief. It feels sometimes as though all the breath is sucked out of me and I can’t breathe. Sometimes it feels like it’s going to kill me.

Oh god, I miss her.

My Mom holding my hand shortly after I gave birth:

My Mom holding my hand after I gave birth to Jack.

 Holding my Mom’s hand shortly before she left us:

Holding my Mom's hand, shortly before she left us.

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5 Responses to Mom

  1. Samantha says:

    It’s a strange feeling knowing that we will have to go on in this world without our Moms. My Mom has been gone for 10 years. She will never know what a blue ray disc is, a smart phone, LCD TV’s, smart cars and so on. There will be things we have to face without them. Every day. I wish I had some miraculous words of wisdom for you. But I don’t. It hurts like hell. It’s a hurt I’ve never felt before. It’s a hurt that doesn’t go away and creeps up on you at the most inconvenient times. We learn to live again, we learn to breathe again. We learn to go on because that’s what Mom would want. One thing I hated hearing was “It’ll get better.” Drove me crazy! One thing I know for sure, one thing that is absolute: I never gets better, it gets “different”. We learn to live in a different world, one that our Moms don’t get to be a part of. It sucks, but we press forward. Because of our babies, we press on. Don’t be afraid to be happy. She would want you to. Don’t be afraid to cry. Because, dammit, it’s sad. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. Because who knows, she could be talking back, you just can’t hear her. Don’t be afraid to be angry. I was pissed when my Mom died. At whom or what? I had no idea. I was just mad. But most of all……don’t be afraid to live! She would want you to! Talk to someone, anyone. Talk about her, the things she did, the things she won’t get to do, the things you b0th will miss out on. Talk. It helps. And….one last thing……go buy the book, “Motherless Daughters” Read a bit every day. Don’t do too much at once. It can be a tough book to get through. But it helped me tremendously! My heart goes out to you and your family…….

    (I felt compelled to say this to you because I’ve been there, I’m here, in this “boat” with you……also, your Mom passed away on my Mom’s birthday)

  2. Lisa says:

    Dearest Sonja,
    My heart hurts so much for you. Always remember that even though she is not around physically, she will be with you always. And I know that just isint the same and it hurts like nothing you’ve ever experienced. She is the smell of your laundry, a voice you hear, a color,a favorite food, a smell of a stranger passing by, the sunshine warming your face, a song, a word, a peeve, she is everywhere. Wherever you are, in some way, she will always be there. And she will let you know that. Sending big hugs your way

  3. Grandpa Oliver says:

    I know your pain and your pain is also mine as your Father. We Loved your Mom very much and she knew that and knows it now. She is with us now only in a different way. When the time comes we will be with her again!!!!!!!!!!! THIS I KNOW!!!!!!
    She wants you to not feel pain, but to live life to the fullest. Her and I talked of this.
    Do not let a day go by that you don’t count your blessings.

  4. Ann says:

    Oh Sonja, I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, or make you laugh, but there just isn’t anything. I love you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Xoxo

  5. CP says:

    So sorry for your loss – I know it is so heartbreaking, and must seem like it’s still a bad dream. Give yourself time to heal (I mean not days but weeks/months). If it’s any tiny consolation, I still hear my mom’s voice in my head every day, and see her photo every time I go up and down our stairs (I even got an email that she made a massage appointment recently from the other side!), so she will live on in your memory.

    sending you lots of great big warm bear hugs


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